Shira Gura

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23 May 2020

The 3 Secrets to Living a Deliberate Life

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By Shira Gura

Most people who are on a path of self-actualization or self-development, aspire to live a life of intention. They choose this path because they know they are meant to evolve as a human being, rather than stay stuck in who they are, what their past presented, or how they were raised. And yet, living a life of intention is not easy, as life presents obstacles and resistance which block one’s ability to manifest their desires.

Living deliberately seems easy on the surface, but when taking a deeper look, one will realize that simple doesn’t always equate with easy. And so the question arises, how do you live a deliberate life, despite the roadblocks that you will face.

Here are the 3 secrets that most people do not know about living deliberately:

  1. Identify what it is you want to create. This may sound so obvious that most people would naturally want to skip over this step, but in fact this is the most important place to start if you want to live a life of intention. What is it you want to create? If you are struggling in your marriage, do you want to create a loving relationship or do you want to leave? I cannot tell you how many clients I have asked this question to and they are shocked into silence. They do not know. They’ve never thought about this question before. They never recognized that they are in the driver’s seat of their life and that they can actually control what it is they want to create.

Keep in mind: I am not asking what it is you want to have, but rather what it is you want to create. There is a big difference here! Waiting to “have” something is putting you in the victim spot. That is, you will only be happy or fulfilled if you “have” that thing. The problem with that mentality is that you can wait a lifetime (or never!) to have that thing! Rather, put yourself in the driver’s seat and be the writer, director, and producer of your own life. Write your story! What do you want to create?

2. Determine your compelling “why.” It’s not enough to know what it is you want to create, you need to determine you “why.” Your why is incredibly important because when you begin your path towards living deliberately, you are going to hit bumps along the road. All sorts of obstacles (desires, difficult people, temptations, and more) will arise and if you don’t remember your “why,” you may fall into the trap of the lower brain and fall of track completely. Identify your why so that when you hit resistance, you will remember why you decided to start on this journey in the first place!

3. Arm yourself with tools. Let’s face it. When obstacles arise, sometimes you won’t be able to trust yourself to stay on track. You’re only human. What can you expect? Don’t be so hard on yourself. This work is not easy – no one ever said it was! But, what you can depend upon are your tools! When you get stuck, you’ll need a tool to get unSTUCK! Once you’re ready to move forward, you’ll need to get CLEAR so that you don’t get stuck in the future! You must have tools because without them, you can easily fall of track and lose your way.

Once you know these 3 secrets and you acquire yourself tools, I am firm believer you can create anything you heart desires!

To learn more about The Living Deliberately Blueprint, click here.

27 Oct 2019

5 Reasons NOT to Make New Year’s Resolutions

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By Shira Gura

Since New Year’s resolutions don’t work, consider what you CAN do to make meaningful changes in your life in the coming year.

The new year is approaching and along with that, thoughts, hopes and wishes for the upcoming year. Many people have the custom of creating New Year’s resolutions, the most common among them including weight loss, quitting smoking, and exercising regularly. People create these resolutions believing that by asserting a resolution, there will be an increased likelihood of their anticipated result coming to fruition.

As popular as New Year’s resolutions are (160,000,000 results turned up in .04 seconds after doing a simple Google search on the topic), they don’t work. According to a research study by University of Scranton, only 8% of people actually achieve their New Year’s resolutions goals. While psychologists have hypothesized the low success rate of these resolutions, people still maintain the tradition.

While I am a big proponent and believer of change, I also recognize that such resolutions have the potential to set people up for failure, hence creating an unintentional, adverse effect.

Here are 5 reasons I believe why you should not create New Year’s resolutions, followed by thoughts on what you can consider instead.

  1. New Year’s resolutions don’t provide a framework. Let’s take the resolution of weight loss. People resolve to lose a certain amount of weight without taking into account a holistic action plan. Without a plan, resolutions don’t appear to be a far-fetched. But, without a framework, people are left empty-handed and directionless. Major lifestyle changes require a consistent action plan to which people must recommit every day.
  2. New Year’s resolutions do not solve the root of the problem. When creating a resolution, most people look at the surface-level problem without looking any deeper. In the weight loss case, for example, being overweight is just a symptom to a deeper problem. The real problem is the uninvestigated thoughts and emotions, during any eating experience, that cause people to consume more food than needed. Stress, boredom, and social pressure, and urges are just a few reasons that cause people to eat when they are not hungry and cause them to continue to eat when they are full. Resolving to lose weight will not occur unless people do the work to understand the source of their dysfunctional eating habits and patterns.
  3. New Year’s resolutions are not multi-faceted. As humans, we are biological, emotional, mental, physical, energetic, spiritual, physiological, sexual, and social human beings. Eating is not just about satisfying a physical desire. If it were, no one would be overweight. People would simply eat to satisfy their hunger, and then stop. But, of course, this does not happen. There are multiple contributing factors that must be understood as a part of the complexity of any human behavior and certainly in regards to change.
  4. New Year’s resolutions typically don’t imbue joy. Let’s face it, the act of losing weight doesn’t sound very appealing. In fact, most resolutions connote a feeling of an upward battle, something that innately demands an inner fight. If you are going to war with yourself, you will unlikely stay committed to your resolution, and instead seek false pleasures that will only bring you temporary happiness.
  5. Growth takes time. In the instant gratification world in which we live in, many people expect to achieve results immediately. Most people don’t have the patience to wait a year to witness results. And if they don’t witness immediate results, the chances are slim they will maintain their commitments. Growth takes time. Nothing of value has ever grown overnight – not a business, not a child, and certainly not a change in lifestyle. True change necessitates practicing over time, not just within one year, but over a lifetime.

Rather than making New Year’s resolutions this year, perhaps consider an alternative. Hire a coach, join a group program, or enroll in a course that will support you to create real change in your life. Often, when we focus our energy away from what we believe needs to be fixed and instead redirect it inwards to recognize who we are, how we are showing up in the world, and why we act they way we do, changes (both anticipated and unanticipated) will naturally flow from that deep place of deep understanding and expanded consciousness.

To learn more about The Living Deliberately Blueprint, click here.

27 Oct 2019

A World of Considerations

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By Shira Gura

When you get stuck in despair, fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, disappointment, confusion or any other emotion, the last thing you want to do is move on from that challenging place. Your feelings are real and raw, and holding onto them often times feels like the only way to keep you safe and secure.

If this is where you are now today, know that it’s OK. It’s more than OK, it’s what it means to be human. Do not suppress your feelings, but rather acknowledge them and allow yourself to feel them. Where do you notice your feelings in your body? In your stomach? In your lower back? In your neck your shoulders? If your face? And what does it feel like? All of this is part of the work of Living Deliberately.

Take time to grieve and allow yourself to mourn and weep unapologetically, but don’t stay stuck for too long – as staying stuck can not only affect you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, it can affect those around you, including your children.

Staying entrenched in your emotions may serve you temporarily, until at one point, it won’t and will instead get you entangled deeper in even more emotions, such as: blame, distress, divisiveness, panic, worry, anger, and hatred.

When you are done grieving, see if you can take on a new perspective to your situation. You may find yourself challenged by your efforts, because your situation may appear as dark and as bleak as ever. Consider that taking on a new viewpoint to your situation is not about giving in or compromising. Trying on a new lens is not about winning or losing a battle, but rather is about your interest in and commitment to healing – healing yourself, healing your children, healing your community, healing your country, and healing the world.

Create a list of new perspectives, join a support group, or reach out to a friend, colleague, or religious leader who can help you in your efforts in choosing a new outlook, rather than wallowing in your stuck place.

Challenge yourself to take on a new perspective so that you can turn your current stuck spot into a source for energy and positive change.

There’s a world of considerations out there waiting for you. Which one will you choose?

27 Oct 2019

Life is Like a Game of RummiKub: You Stay in the Game, No Matter What.

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By Shira Gura

I played Rummikub the other day with my kids.

As we chose our tiles, I suddenly heard reactions of joy and cries of disappointment.

“Yes!” one child boasted. ”I got great tiles!”

”Umph!” sighed another. “This isn’t fair! I got the worst tiles in the world! I’m gonna lose!”

I ignored their comments and allowed the game to begin.

Let it go, I said to myself.

And then ironically, as we began to play, I found myself getting similarly attached to the temporary moments of happiness and frustration that come before each move.

Happy when I had the opportunity to place a tile down.

Frustrated when I couldn’t.

But it was just a game, of course.

And I didn’t take it seriously knowing that the greatest joy of playing games with my children is in simply spending time with them, interacting with them, laughing with them, watching them grow and learn, and creating memories.

That’s the important thing.

Playing.

But, in the midst of the RummiKub game, something else suddenly dawned on me.

Choosing to stay in the game is just as important as choosing to play the game in the first place.

You see, in other family games we play, the boards don’t change too dramatically with any one move. So, there’s a sense of security and anticipation of what may come next. If you know you’re going to lose, you can often times see it coming.

But, in RummiKub, the whole playing board can turn itself on its head, right in front of your eyes, with just one move.

Your opponent can instantly and completely dismantle the board and create an entirely fresh and new one — one that is not only unfamiliar to you, but one you can’t even work with.

Just like that.

In the blink of an eye, reality, as you knew it, disappears.

And suddenly, there’s a new reality.

Just like in life.

We live our lives assuming that our “boards” are going to stay more or less the same forever. And they usually do, for the most part. Until boom, one day, it doesn’t.

And, just like in RummiKub, you’re never really prepared for it.

Not that you can really predict these things anyway, nor do you even want to live your life anticipating the worst or living in anxiety and fear.

Like when you become unanticipatedly sick.

But, just like in RummiKub, all you can do — even if you don’t like the way the board suddenly looks — is play your best tile and hang in there, until the board shifts again.

Which it will.

You choose to adjust to that new reality and put your best foot forward.

Because whatever tiles are in front of you, are the only tiles you’ve got to work with.

In RummiKub, you stay in the game, no matter what.

(At least that’s what I teach my kids.)

No matter how rough it gets, no matter if you are sure you are going to lose, no matter if you have no chance to win at all.

You stay in the game.

Not only for your sake, but for those you committed to when you chose to play the game in the first place.

Just like in life.

27 Oct 2019

5 Reasons to Go on a Solo Retreat

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By Shira Gura

I returned home from taking my four kids on a 3-week visit to my parent’s home this past summer feeling like I just needed to get away. “A vacation from a vacation,” as they say. I approached my husband and was pleasantly surprised (and quite honestly shocked) that he not only supported my idea, but he wanted to help me find a place for me to retreat. I told him I was planning to commit to complete silence for two full days (no phone, no internet, no wifi). He succeeded in locating an empty, furnished one-bedroom apartment in a quiet community about 10 minutes from our home. So, I packed my yoga mat, some food, a change of clothes, a few books, a toothbrush and toothpaste.

I wouldn’t know then, but this would prove to be one of the best vacations I would ever take in my life.

5 Reasons to Go on a Solo Retreat

1. Gain New Perspectives

My life is full. Between mothering, running a business, and homemaking, there are few moments in any given day where I feel as if I can “stop and smell the roses.” No sooner than my four children wake up in the morning, do I feel as if I’m already putting them to sleep. While on this retreat, I purposefully practiced to slow down. Everything I did, from walking to the bathroom, to making tea, to slicing tomatoes, I did in slow motion. And by intentionally doing so, I came face to face with my natural tendencies to rush through life which often times manifest in having less than satisfying life experiences.

Getting away can reveal the habits and patterns you may wish to change.

2. Self-Reflect

When you commit to going into silence and denying yourself any access to the outside world, you almost force yourself to enter a realm of self-reflection. How is my life going? Am I happy with who I am? How am I doing as a parent? A wife? A community member? Where can I be improving? Am I being as loving as possible? Do I need to ask of forgiveness from anyone? Do I need to forgive? Where is there room for improvement? And from that place of silence, inner wisdom quietly and naturally emerges. Many realizations emerged from within me during this extended time alone.

3. Find Yourself

Yes, I am a mother. Yes, I am a wife. But, I’m also a single human being in this world that also has needs and desires. What are my short-term goals this year? What needs to be implemented to make them happen? Am I taking good care of myself?

Retreating is a wonderful opportunity to find that person who often times gets lost in the shuffle of life.

4. Get Productive

On this retreat, I spent the first 24 hours working on my next book. Each time I took a break to stretch, I was surprised that each time I returned to my workspace, I conditionally placed my mouse on the “Google Chrome” icon in order to check my email and Facebook messages. While I never executed that click (it would have been futile in any event since I never requested the wifi code at the rental), I was amazed at my Pavlovian habit. Do I really check my email and Facebook that often? And by denying myself the ability to access the internet, I found myself incredibly productive. By removing myself from distractions, I was able to appreciate how much more focused and productive I can be on any given day.

5. Keep Things Simple

In the past year, I have friends who have gone on safari in Africa, a cousin who traveled to Costa Rica to surfboard, and a husband who hiked the mountains of Slovakia. And while those vacations do sound enticing, I would still claim that this kind of retreat is my favorite way to vacation. Having no dependents, no set plan, a short car ride to my destination spot, a small bag for travel, and a low rental cost, this was the ideal way for me to let go, realign, and rejuvenate.

And while there were few thrill stories to share upon my return, this experience will probably prove to have more long-lasting effects than any other vacation I could ever dream of.

While planning and saving up money for a family vacation may be difficult, going on a solo retreat may be a lot easier to negotiate, can be planned spontaneously, scheduled at any time of the year, cost less, be easily reproduced, and may reap more emotional, spiritual, and physical benefits than any other dream vacation. And when going into silence, you will undoubtedly uncover things about you and your life that, if taken to heart, can only prove to be transformative for you and in your relationships.

To learn more about the Living Deliberately Blueprint, click here.

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