Compassion

(This blog post was taken from The Living Deliberately podcast which you can tune into here.)

Many people around the world are feeling stuck, now more than ever, during the Corona (COVID19) pandemic. Many people around the world are in lock-down in their home and some are in self-quarantine. The world as we know it has turned on its head and many of us are little an entirely new reality than we’ve ever experienced before.

Getting unstuck is great. It’s awesome, in fact. It takes you from feeling like you’re stuck at the bottom of a whole to feeling like you’ve figured out how to climb out of that hole. It’s a great feeling. It’s a freeing feeling. It’s very empowering to get yourself unstuck.

And while living deliberately includes getting unstuck, it’s not just about getting unstuck. In other words, it’s not just about getting out of the whole, but it’s about anticipating the hole in the first and then preparing yourself if it should come.

I woke up this morning asking myself, what is it that I want to create today? Well, to be honest, I had a lot of answers – from self-care, to schedule for me and the kids, to creating music, to reading, to offering a yoga class, to creating joy for me and my kids, and more.

And so I thought about yesterday and how one of my kids complained that our exercise routine (jogging around the block for 30 minutes) isn’t fun. My son had a real sour face on and I have to be honest, I’m sometimes finding myself losing patience with my kids during this time. It’s not easy. On any of us. And I really don’t think I’m creating too many demands for my kids. They don’t really have school work and I am giving them screen time each day, but what’s really important to me, for their physical health, is that they do some sort of physical activity for 30 minutes every day.

If they were in school, they’d have gym class. OR if it was a normal day, they’d have baseball, or jujitsu, or they’d be playing outside and exercising naturally by just running around. But we don’t have that opportunity now. And yesterday I was really upset about one of my kids who just complained about having to exercise. It really just bothered me, and I kind of lost it.

So, today I recognizing I don’t want to create that situation again with my kids. I want to create joyful exercise. So, this is my starting point with living deliberately, knowing what it is I want to create.

I knew I had to get CLEAR because I anticipated a negative response from my kids.

5 Simple Steps to Getting CLEAR:

1. C= CALM. Similar to the “stop” in The unSTUCK Method, this is an opportunity to get present – to redirect your attention away from the future moment that you are anticipating and return it back to the present moment so that you can prepare properly for it.

2. L=LIGHTEN. In this step we uncover our “heavy” thoughts and lighten them by changing our language. For example:

“I know I’m going to get push-back from my kids.”

I changed my thought to:

“I have a feeling I’m going to get push-back from my kids.”

By changing my language from “I know” to “I have a feeling,” I lighten the anticipated future moment.

3. E=EXPECT. This is where we dig up our hidden expectations and express our wishes and desires. It’s always our expectations that get us stuck in the first place, but most of the time we aren’t even aware of what we are expecting. So in this step, we take the time to notice and honestly acknowledge what our wishes or hopes are. For example:

I hope we can come up with an exercise idea that we can all agree upon.

I hope my kids have good attitudes this morning.

I hope they participate fully!

4. A=ACCEPT. This is the step where we radically accept, in advance, the opposite of what we’re expecting! It’s not that we want the opposite of our wishes and desires to happen, but we’re accepting them in advance, so that if the opposite happens, we won’t get stuck! So, for example:

I can radically accept that my kids and I won’t come up with an exercise idea that we’ll all agree upon.

I can radically accept my kids don’t have good attitudes this morning.

I can radically accept my kids won’t participate fully with me today.

5. R=RESPONSIBILITY – This is where we take responsibility for who we are “being.” This is not a step about doing. This is not about making a schedule or a plan or objectives towards reaching a goal. This is about beingness. Who do I want to be when I have this conversation with my kids? Because that way of being will dictate what I do, and not the other way around. For example:

I am committed to being open-minded, supportive, and patient.

These are not necessarily my natural ways of being. These are ways of being I want to be when I have this conversation with my kids.

An open-minded mom would listen to her kids’ ideas.

A supportive mom would try out those ideas.

A supportive mom would give her kids time to brainstorm. This isn’t easy. They are used to a gym teacher or coach telling them what to do. They usually don’t have to think of things on their own.

Around 8 this morning I invited the kids to the living room. I admitted to feeling stuck in the past week and how hard this new job is for me: of homeschooling them, and that it’s going to take some trials and errors to figure this out as a family so that we all feel successful and happy during this time. I explained to them that I do believe the best thing for us is to create some sort of routine, even if it’s not strict, but something in general, and that the first thing each day should be exercise.

I asked them to brainstorm with me ideas of what would be fun. I reminded them of things we’ve done so far including jogging/walking while playing word games like I spy, or ghost or guess who, I reminded them of the dance parties we did in the living room, or the improvisational exercise we’ve done in the yoga studio.

My sons sat and stared at me like I had two heads. They couldn’t think of anything.

Then, my youngest son said, “I know! Let’s make an obstacle course. We’ll run around the paths in our neighborhood, then run down to the pull up bar that we have under the house, then we’ll go into the yoga studio, then we’ll run up the steps, and start all over again.”

Great idea, I said! I’m game. What about you? (I asked my other son).

He didn’t like the idea. He just sat there with a droopy face and without any ideas.

So, my youngest son and I started this new exercise routine which was great. It was really fun actually. And the weather was beautiful. We played a Rocky playlist and it was really fun. I would totally do this each day and I’m glad he recommended it.

I accepted my other son didn’t join us. I already accepted that earlier, so I wasn’t stuck. I would just have a conversation with him later to talk about what happened and talk about what the rest of the day would look like as he understands that exercising has to be a part of this day in some form or another.

But, I have to say I was super surprised when I saw my older son running past us while my younger son and I were doing our exercises on the porch. I didn’t ask what happened. I assumed he just realized either he wanted to exercise, or he wanted to do it his way, or he didn’t want to deal with the consequences.

My friends, I can’t think of a better time than now than to be using both of these tools, The unSTUCK method, and The CLEAR way. Both tools are incredibly helpful at this time, and always, to help you cope during these difficult times, to get you step-by-step actions on how to get yourself unstuck if you’re feeling stuck, or how to get clear for the day or for anything else you are anticipating during the day.

So many people are feeling stuck these days. Each of us is experiencing this pandemic in different ways. What is important is that we practice getting unSTUCK and getting CLEAR, both as individuals and collectively as a humanity. It serves no one when you stay stuck. If anything, it only hurts you, and then it impacts those around you. Learn to get yourself unSTUCK, for your sake and for the sake of the world.

To learn more about The Living Deliberately Blueprint, click here.

(This blog post was taken from The Living Deliberately podcast which you can tune into here.)

Understanding how your brain works can help you learn how to manage your mind. When you know how to manage your mind, you can learn how to feel better in any moment, improve our relationships, and you can live the life you want to live. If you have yet to read about the lower brain, please read that post first.

In a nutshell, the lower brain is responsible for unconscious actions and pretty much anything you have learned (physically like walking or driving or eating) or anything you have learned mentally (like thoughts about yourself, about others, about the world) – anything that you have learned and thought enough times, it is stored in the lower brain for your own survival. Your lower brain is there to protect you and so anytime you are faced with something that feels like a real threat, whether that’s a hungry lion coming at you, or it’s someone saying things about you or you saying things about yourself, your lower brain is going to efficiently remind you of what you already know. The problem is, your lower brain doesn’t evolve you. It doesn’t bring you forward in life. In fact, if you are only depending on your lower brain for life, you will end of dying exactly the way your life looks like today.

And for some people, maybe for many people, that’s how they want to die. They don’t want to change. They don’t want to go through the effort and difficult emotions that one needs to go through when you grow – because that’s what happens, my friends, growing isn’t always easy. Right? Just ask any teenager on the block. Growing comes with fear and pain and some people just want to avoid that completely. And that is there choice and their right and I am not here to tell anyone what to do with their lives.

But, if you’re reading this blog post, my guess is that you are not one of those people. And my guess is that you are one of those people who actually want to create change in your life, but you’re not finding success or you don’t know how. And if you stay with me and you implement what I’m going to teach you, I can almost guarantee you, you can achieve any result you are looking to create in your life.

The forebrain or the upper brain is the most highly developed part of the human brain. It consists primarily of the cerebrum and structures underneath it. When you look at a picture of the brain, you are usually looking at the upper brain as it sits at the topmost part of the brain. This part of our brain is the source of intellectual activities. It enables you to plan and imagine and think among other things.  The pre-frontal cortex (PFC) is the cerebral cortex that covers the front part of the frontal lobe of your brain. It is this part of the upper brain that is involved with the planning of complex cognitive behavior and decision making and moderating social behavior.

The basic activity of the PFC is orchestration of thoughts and actions in accordance with internal goals. This is really important to understand. You have one part of your brain, the PFC, that is what is responsible for your ability to decide what you want to create in your life and going from that place of deciding to the place of results.

OK, so you want to lose 20 pounds? You need your PFC.

You want to become a successful in your line of work? You need your PFC.

You want to create an extraordinary relationship with your spouse? You need your PFC.

You want to create an awesome relationship with your kids?

You want to start taking better caring of your body?

Make more money?

Work less?

All of can happen thanks to your PRC.

This part of the brain, in psychology, is known as the executive function and it is this part of the brain that is essential if you want to live a deliberate life, because living deliberately starts with making a decision of what you want and making a plan for that decision and creating new thoughts that you believe that will help you reach your goal. Without the PFC, you will stay exactly where you are right now for the rest of your life, thinking the same thoughts about yourself and thinking the same thoughts about others and about your body and about your work and about your family members, forever.

And as I mentioned before, for many people, that is ok. And all that means is they don’t need to work that area of the brain too much. And for many people that works for them.

For me, living the way I’ve always lived is not acceptable to me. While I know I’m a good person, I also know I can evolve into something better and I also believe that I was meant to use this part of my brain to the best of my ability.

Doing the work of living deliberately, which includes getting unstuck and getting clear can enhance prefrontal activation because studies have shown that practicing mindfulness enhances this area of the brain, and because the work of Living Deliberately is based on mindfulness it will do the same. And mindfulness, of course, is associated with increased well-being and reduced anxiety.

Now, the question is, why when I set out a goal to lose weight or I dream big about my work or I try to improve my relationship with my spouse or I try to quit any bad habit I’ve noticed I’ve picked up along the way – why don’t I succeed if I have a PVC? If my PVC is responsible for deciding what I want and creating plans to move that plan forward, why do I get stuck? Why do you get stuck?

It’s because of the older brother. Your older brother, your lazy older brother, a.k.a. your lower brain, has a world of thoughts for you that are going to do everything it can to prevent you from achieving your goal.

Why? This doesn’t make sense, right? If your brain wants to move forward with a new idea, why would your same brain work against you? I mean, it makes sense if another person’s brain works again you – right? Like your spouse or your boss or your child – they make go against you, but your own brain? That doesn’t sense?

But, if you stop to think about it for a moment, it actually does. Because remember, your lower brain is there to protect you. By sending you warning signs of, “That’s going to be difficult,” or “You’re going to have to work really hard at that,” or “Not many people have done that before, you sure you want to try that?” your lower brain is helping you – maybe not in the way you want, but it’s helping you prevent getting into an uncomfortable place that could lead to embarrassment or failure.

So when you set out to lose weight or stop smoking or start exercising or talking better words about yourself, and you last for like two days, there’s nothing wrong with you. In fact, there’s everything right with you. Your lower brain is doing exactly it’s job and in many ways we should be grateful that our brains are working as they should.

But, of course, if you want to move forward and you want to live deliberately, you need to differentiate between your thoughts that you are creating in the upper brain to move you forward and the thoughts you created already in the past that exist in your lower brain.

Let me give you an example. I am committed to becoming a mindful eater, among other things in my life that I’m working on. As someone who is committed to being a mindful eater, one realistic doable, that’s basically my way of saying what my plan of action is for the week, is to not eat past 6 pm. I go to bed early and my body doesn’t do well when I eat within a 3 hour time frame before going to bed. On most nights, this isn’t so hard. But, last night, my kids ordered a pizza.

And they ordered it for 7 PM.

And my lower brain was like, “PIZZA!” YUMMY PIZZA, smell that bubbly melted cheese. Yum!

My lower brain was doing its job. It was seeking pleasure and avoiding pain.

Pleasure = eating pizza.

Pain would be the suffering I would feel if I didn’t eat the pizza.

And my lower brain doesn’t want to suffer so it was shouting EAT THE PIZZA.

But, I am living deliberately and I know how to get unstuck and I can differentiate what’s going on in my head from the upper brain with its plans and goals and my lower brain with its old thoughts and pattern and unconscious habits. I stopped and said, “Hey lower brain, thanks for doing your job. I hear you, but I’m not gonna listen to you right now. Don’t get upset about that, it’s just that I have other plans. Thanks for watching out for me.?

And that was it.

I didn’t eat the pizza, I didn’t eat anything actually. And I felt great on so many levels – great that I could manange my mind and I felt great going to sleep not heavy and I felt great this morning waking up, feel light and ready to start my day.

And I was able to do all of this because I understood what was going on in my brain.

And this is what the living deliberately is all about. It’s about identifying what you want and how you’re going to get there – and using your tools to cope with all the wonderfulness and challenges in between.

To learn more about The Living Deliberately Blueprint, click here.